Borowitz Report: Romney pays surprise visit to his money in Cayman Islands

Andy Borowitz just kills me....

"In an uncharacteristically emotional scene for the presumptive GOP nominee, Mitt Romney today paid a surprise visit to his money in the Cayman Islands.

Speaking in a bank vault surrounded by stacks of cash, Mr. Romney praised his money for “the brave work you have done in the never-ending fight for freedom from Federal income tax.”

“Thanks to your hard work, losers around the world are envious of me,” he added.  ”For that I salute you.”

Stressing that his money’s mission in the Caymans was “far from over,” he refused to set any timetable for withdrawal.
In a reference to his bid for the Presidency, Mr. Romney told his money, “It would be an honor and a privilege to have my face on you someday.”

After plunging into the stacks of cash to touch many of the dollar bills individually, Mr. Romney boarded his private jet to pay a surprise visit to Switzerland.

In other political news, Newt Gingrich suspended his presidential bid today, telling reporters: “A campaign is like a wife.  When it’s on life-support, it’s time to leave.”